Thursday, January 29, 2015

How to Turn Your Life into a Pakistani Drama: The Jerk Mom Edition

Assalamualaikum! I really enjoyed writing "How to be a Jerk: Tutorial 101" and have decided to do another similar post. Before I start off with this new tutorial/course, I thought I'd introduce you to the wonderful world of Pakistani drama. These domestic soaps involve your average love story with tragic plot twists, depressing maidens, psychotic heroes and twisted side characters. Without further ado, I present to you the Jerk Mom Edition!

(From Left to Right:- Damsel in Distress Who Suffers in Silence, Insensitive Hero Who is Easily Indoctrinated and Psychotic Side Character Who Looks Pretty)

How to Turn Your Life into a Pakistani Drama: The Jerk Mom Edition

Is your life boring you? Do you want to spice up your domestic relationships and take out childhood grievances now that you're finally old enough to run your own household? Then have no fear! Here's your manual to being the perfect Jerk Mom! Just remember to follow these instructions.

#1. Get your son married to a girl you have a death wish against.
#2. Make sure you get a BORED mask and use it effectively with the said girl and her family.
#3. Indoctrinate your son to make you his first priority.
#4. Don't forget to take out your childhood grievances on the girl who has left her family and her home to join yours and is effectively intimidated by her new household.
#5. Push as many boundaries as you can and tear down all resistance put forward by anyone.

Wow! You're well on your way to being the best Jerk Mom there ever was! But wait- how can you actually take out your childhood grievances on your new punching bag?

  • Put her in the kitchen and make her handle all the meals.
  • Make her clean the whole house repeatedly. (basically, be the beautiful Cinderella's stepmom. Beautiful stepmom I meant, not Cinderella)
  • Call her a maasi (equivalent to hired house cleaner)
  • Say she's being an  ungrateful bride if she tries to regain her dignity.
  • Give her several opportunities to point out your mistakes and then argue with her.
  • Call your son to witness his ungrateful wife arguing with the angelic Jerk Mom.
  • Constantly poison your son's mind about how proud and lazy the new girl is.
  • Hate your so called daughter-in-law with a passion and make sure she knows it (the hate) and that she can't do anything about it no matter what she does.
  • Don't forget to drink tea while she slaves around. Oh, throw in a back rub or foot massage while she's at it.

You think that's a certified Jerk Mom? Naw, you still haven't pushed the boundaries enough.

  • Accuse your daughter in law of an affair and watch your son's heart break in pieces and add those to your afternoon tea.
  • Push your daughter in law to the extremes and as soon as she reacts, turn her out of the house. 
  • When I mean turn her out of the house, I mean drag her out the door and close it and lock it.
  • Oh, and then forbid your son from coming to his wife's defense.
  • Don't forget about the tea your ungrateful daughter in law left on the stove for you.

But wait! Are the ladies with brainless sons the only Jerk Moms out there? Not at all! Here's how you can be a Jerk Mom with your damsel in distress daughter.

  • Marry her off to a family you've never been acquainted with.
  • Remember to take first appearances as nothing but truth and reality.
  • Should your daughter call you and try to tell you something, send her on guilt trips about how happy you are that she's married and settled. (throw in a couple of essays about how much of your husband's money you spent on the dowry and the car and the golden cats and what not).
  • Tell her that the first couple of decades of marriage are rocky and it's okay if your angelic Jerk Mom In Law is calling you a maasi- it happens kiddo, get used to it.
  • Just never happened to you though. And don't let it happen to you. You're the actual Angelic Mom with only one agenda: "Love everyone, no matter how messed up they actually are" and soon, everyone will love you back ^^
  • Tell your daughter that she's becoming ungrateful if she points out that your agenda is impossible in a realistic world where someone is hell bent on making things difficult.
  • It might be a good idea to develop a cardiac condition where you end up in the hospital every other day.
  • Best plot twist- you die in the end! :D And everyone cries for you.

So, then, dear readers! Book mark this page and refer to it when it's YOUR turn to add to the overall injustice, hate and ignorance in the world! Remember- if we don't spread the negativity, who will? #JerksUnited and cookies on the Dark Side!

Disclaimer: The Author is actually being sarcastic (in case you couldn't figure it out) and in no way does she support the creation of such types of characters in entertainment media. And yes, there's no free fake newsletter either. And Hamsafar fans, please don't be offended, it's just a JOKE.

Thursday, January 15, 2015

Ask: What kind of pens do you use?

Thank you so much for taking the time out to give me such a beautiful compliment ;-;

Now for your question. I am a very minimalistic person. I don’t like taking a big pouch of pens to med school and back (those books are hard enough) and I also like to have my personal notes and my lecture notes to look exactly the same (neat freak much .__.). So all I use are common ballpoint pens and colored felt tip pointers.

Here’s my MUST HAVE arsenal of writing instruments:

-Dollar Pointer Softliner (for the headings, tables, underlining, highlighted text) They’re available in about… seven or eight colors I think- the standard black blue red green and then light blue (picture), pink, purple, and light brown. I think that’s it.

-Piano ball point (blue and black, I pick which ever color I fancy for the whole unit)

-Lead pencil (and I forgot to add its buddy, the clear plastic ruler)

I live in Pakistan, so the first two utensils can be easily bought at any stationary shop. If you live in any place that falls in the rest of the world, I’m sure you can find other alternatives.

Oh, and one more thing. You don’t need to have really expensive stuff to make pretty notes or anything. Just buy whatever makes you comfortable. A lot of studyblrs here make their notes with gel liners but I can’t work with gel (I tend to smear my whole page so I reserve them for essay examinations where I don’t have to write all over the place). So remember- comfort comes first! 

Sunday, January 11, 2015

How to Be a Jerk: Tutorial 101


How many of you used to say cool stood for "Constipated Over weighted Out of style Loser"? I'm sure you remember "Junior Educated Rich Kid" then too ^^. Today, we're going to talk about how you can be instantly transformed into a human entity known as "The Jerk".
Jerks are normally rare to find straight out due to rising standards of society. However, that doesn't make them extinct. They just tend to wear special masks called "BORED" (Being Over Reassuring-that-they-are-nice and Effectually Double-standard). And I'm sure you guys know that power lies in the mask! (The Amazing Spiderman, anyone?) So what does this dreadful mask do?

It makes it look like these people care about you (but usually, the mask doesn't cover up The Jerk enough) and that they are the nicest people on earth with niceness literally oozing off of them in heavy waves and you get knocked over and feel like the most uncultured, rude person to have ever walked past their existence.

So, where can you get your own BORED mask? Here's what you need to do.

Step 1: Stand in front of the mirror and make the nicest smile you can on your face.
Step 2: Walk around with that face for the whole day.
Step 3: Recite the following over and over: "I am better than every one here and look, I have a nice smile on my face to prove it"
Step 4: Practice the BORED mask on people around you.
Step 5: Try slipping in snide comments.
Step 6: Remind yourself that you are better and that it is your duty to tell people what is wrong with them in that sideway sort of style.
Step 7: If someone points it out, tell them "But it's true"
Step 8: NEVER get defensive. Tell people to get a life and chug on forth with your rainbow painted guns.

Good job! You are now a Level One Grunt of the community of humanity known as "The Jerks"!

What? You want to upgrade your Jerk Level? Oh, alright...

Level Two Jerks are the kind of jerks who take The Jerk to an offensive level. Basically, when your prey doesn't come to you, you go to them. For that, you need the WITCH (Words that Initiate Tears Cheers and Hate). The WITCH is a psychological weapon that you must create yourself. It consists of a 'cut and run' routine that you must instill upon your Jerkness.

What should your WITCH accomplish? You must be able to make a successful jab at a person's sense of security, ego and consciousness, causing the victim to tear. Don't worry, tears are just a reflex action meant to lower your Jerk Level so that why you have to mentally cheer yourself to continue. Simply recite "I am better than every one here and look, I have a nice smile on my face to prove it" (from Jerk Level One) and wait for the hate response.
The way you react is what will take you to Jerk Level Three. Either you can take the Jerk Level One route and say "Get a life! Man, you're sensitive!" or you could go to Jerk Level Three and say "Oh, is that how you feel about me? I get it, you think I'm not smart enough to have my own opinion" and act all offended.

So what exactly is Jerk Level Three? Jerk Level Three is when The Jerk is so jerked up, they wage psychological and social wars with the rest of humanity. To be a true Jerk Level Three (aka, the Jerkween) you must

  • bull doze through criticism like a great typhoon
  • burn down people's defenses like a raging fire
  • leave no evidence and act as mysterious as the dark side of the moon
It's easy enough! Now that you have completed a certified Jerk Course, you are eligible to join the army of The Jerks! Sign up on and receive your free "The Jerk Today" newsletter every month right on your door step! Remember, a grunt today is a Jerkween tomorrow! Don't forget to add to the hashtag trend #JerksUnited on twitter, Facebook and Instagram! Let's get this Jerk Movement started!

Additionally, you don't NEED to be a jerk to radiate hearts, have a perfect smile or feel good about yourself. True, Jerks tend to have a high level of self confidence and self esteem but following the Jerk lifestyle is your choice and your choice alone :D #JerksUnited and cookies on the dark side.

Disclaimer: This blog post is written for purely humorous reasons. There is NO such website, NO such free newsletter, NO such hashtag and NO such movement. The Author would also like to point out that she isn't a jerk most of the time. Sorry if you got too excited about this whole "free newsletter" business. All content is solely the work of the Author (except the film references).
Have a great week ^^.

Thursday, January 8, 2015

App Review: Momentum

AssalamuAlaikum! (Peace be on you!)
(I'm just going to stick with this greeting. Subah bakhair doesn't seem to be working for me)
I've recently found this amazing Chrome extension that I want to share with you guys. It's called "Momentum" and basically, when you open up a new tab on Google Chrome, you get something like this.
That's a whole lot of stuff in one place if you look closely. Here's what you get-
  • a scenic photograph
  • a personal greeting 
  • a motivational quote
  • your current location
  • the current temperature
  • the current time
  • a drop down to-do-list
  • your focus for the day 
What do I think of this extension? I think it's one of the best things I've downloaded on my pc. There's something really motivating when you see such refreshing pictures every day and the fact that my own laptop is saying "Good evening, Kanra." just cheers me up. (Although, the "what is your main focus for today" question makes me feel obligated to get my books out and study. Technically a good thing).
Here's the link to the Chrome Web Store if you're interested in downloading this free extension!

Friday, January 2, 2015

Better Than Before 2015

I'm running a little late- not a very good start to 2015 but I intend to make the most of the time I have right now- and that's what really counts. New Years is that one excuse every one needs to put a break on their life, sit down with a cup of tea/coffee and look at the past year in retrospect while planning for what's coming ahead.

Here is a list of resolutions I made for 2015.

  1. Study hard but don't compare yourself to your classmates. Even if you come up at the bottom rank, you're still in med school. Clearly, you aren't stupid! Everyone else is just super smart/no-lifers.
  2. Get into a professional routine. Yes, that means no more sleeping till 11am during weekends. We all have 24 hours in one day and I want to use all 24 to my maximum potential.
  3. While we're talking about routine, let's shove in some diet and exercise in too.
  4. At the end of this year, I had better have passed my first year professional examination.
  5. Make a genuine effort to get to know people.
  6. Start writing a journal- like, seriously. I bought a journal for 2014 and it's empty. I'm going to try using the chain-habit routine to try establishing this into a daily habit.
  7. Get more creative! I need to keep blank sheets with me so if inspiration ever strikes, I'm ready!
  8. Read more books (this sounds near impossible but hey, can't I have a few unrealistic goals in here as well?)
  9. Stay connected with old friends and online friends. It's no good if I get swamped down by the studying I'll be doing!
  10. Work hard, but remember when to relax. And relaxing doesn't mean 'taking a half hour long hot shower the day of the examination'. Relaxing means spending the day off, watching movies or going out or actually relaxing, not stressing myself out.  

So these are my resolutions for this year. I hope we all get to see this year right to the end. Happy 2015, everyone. ^^
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